So, finally got around to seeing Avatar last night.

It’s pretty much Pocahontas in space.

Think I might have liked Pocahontas better too. It had songs and a comical dog.

Good afternoon, my dear crumpets! How are we today? That’s tops, good to hear. Well, guess what? The noms for the Golden Globes were released the other day! Wait, what… what do you mean you don’t CARE? Oh hush, you are simply no fun. The Globes are there to show us pre-emptively how badly the Oscars are going to cock everything up, it’s like seeing into the future. And also they do TV!

So here are all the categories I care about, WITH COMMENTARY (lawks!). Be warned that a lot of the films nommed haven’t been released in Australia yet, so I’m probably going to waffle a lot about how excited I am to see/am indifferent to/have no interest in whatever film is in question.

Best Motion Picture – Drama

• Avatar (I haven’t seen this yet. I know, I should be shot. I don’t even really want to see it either, I kind of just want to watch it so I can stop people going to me “Oh my GOD, you have to see it, it’s the best movie EVAS!!1!”)
• The Hurt Locker (I missed this at MIFF and have been kicking myself over it. Kathryn Bigelow FTW!)
• Inglourious Basterds (Crazy amazing AWESOME movie, but probably too crazytown for American voting panels)
• Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (Look, I don’t care how supposedly amazing this flick is, that is a goddamn obnoxious title. I don’t want to see something with that damn tangled mouthful of a title)
• Up In The Air (I’ve watched the trailer and at best can muster up a “Meh?” I don’t know, I hope it’s better than it looks)

I really have to agree with Grrliz on this one – these are in the main some pretty boring looking flicks. Where is Moon? Star Trek (which hasn’t been nominated for ANYTHING, imagine how pissed I am at that)? Where The Wild Things Are? Up, which I know is in the animated category, I would class as even better than Inglourious. What the eff, Hollywood Foreign Press?

Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

• (500) Days of Summer (Oh yay, that’s pleasantly surprising, hooray for remembering it!)
• The Hangover (Very funny, but kind of have to admit it’s strange seeing it nominated for awards. Suppose that’s the power of a hefty box office return)
• It’s Complicated
• Julie & Julia (Forget it, Jake, it’s Meryltown)
• Nine (Glad to see an actual musical in this category! And how excited am I to see this? I AM SO DAMN EXCITED)

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

• Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart
• George Clooney for Up In The Air
• Colin Firth for A Single Man (By all accounts apparently completely carries this film)
• Morgan Freeman for Invictus (IT’S MORGAN FREEMAN PLAYING NELSON MANDELA, PEOPLE, IT’S A COMPLETE GIVEN, AWARD PLEASE!)
• Tobey Maguire for Brothers (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so dismissive, but *snerk*, I’m sorry, my face won’t stay straight…)

Hang on… Where’s Sam Rockwell for Moon?! I CALL TRAVESTY!!!

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama

• Emily Blunt for The Young Victoria (I LOVED THIS MOVIE! SO MUCH! Y’ALL NEED TO POP OUT AND SEE IT… NOW!)
• Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side (Whut?)
• Helen Mirren for The Last Station (Always nice to see the Dame up for a gong)
• Carey Mulligan for An Education (This was easily the performance of the year for the ladies, but sadly I have a feeling that she’ll lose out to the lass from Precious: An Obnoxious Title)
• Gabourey ‘Gabby’ Sidibe for Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

• Matt Damon for The Informant! (Ha ha, yes! He and the music were totally the best things about that movie, ohh, I kind of want him to win now)
• Daniel Day-Lewis for Nine (What’s the bet that he’s going to win simply for being Daniel Day-Lewis?)
• Robert Downey Jr. for Sherlock Holmes (I love you, Robert, but this seems a little incongruous)
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt for (500) Days of Summer (This is totally deserved, though I’m kind of a little surprised that Zooey Deschanel wasn’t nommed in the actress category for this film as well, she utterly carried a character that was almost designed to be hated and instead she managed to play her with a completely understandable dignified humanity)
• Michael Stuhlbarg for A Serious Man (Argh, I need to see this, it’s been out here for weeks, I just haven’t gotten around to it)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

• Sandra Bullock for The Proposal (THIS IS A TRAVESTY)
• Marion Cotillard for Nine
• Julia Roberts for Duplicity (Really? REALLY?!)
• Meryl Streep for It’s Complicated
• Meryl Streep for Julie & Julia

Has it really been such a bad year for lead actresses in comedies that we’ve been forced to nom Meryl twice? We could have had Zooey for 500 Days here.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

• Matt Damon for Invictus (Look, if Matt Damon doesn’t win anything I am going to be a sad panda, I love that man)
• Woody Harrelson for The Messenger (Who has been super pleased at the sudden explosion of Woody Harrelson on our screens this year? I have been super pleased)
• Christopher Plummer for The Last Station
• Stanley Tucci for The Lovely Bones (I have massive mad love for Stanley Tucci, and am figuring that watching him in The Lovely Bones will be as guilt-ridden an experience as watching Ralph Fiennes in Schindler’s List)
• Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds (Performance of the year for the lads by a wide, WIDE margin)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

• Penelope Cruz for Nine (Y’all know my giddy infatuation for Ms Cruz, assume that I’m swooning then move on)
• Vera Farmiga for Up In The Air
• Anna Kendrick for Up In The Air (Who IS Anna Kendrick? All I know her for is Twilight, where she apparently is the only bright spot in those epic drudges of terrible movies)
• Mo’Nique for Precious:Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
• Julianne Moore for A Single Man

Best Director – Motion Picture

• Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker (YEEESSSSSSS! Here is hopefully the first step to the first female director winning a best director Oscar. About time!)
• James Cameron for Avatar (How predictable)
• Clint Eastward for Invictus (Like Grrliz, can help but think they just reserve a slot for him every year now)
• Jason Reitman for Up In The Air
• Quentin Tarantino for Inglourious Basterds (Could you imagine the acceptance speech? Sad that because of the Cameron/Eastwood factor it probably won’t be a reality. Also, I want Bigelow to get it more)

Best Original Score – Motion Picture

• Avatar (I’ve heard the music over the end credits from wandering in to clean cinemas at work, and dear lord did I get the most vomitous flashback of ‘holy shit it’s 1997 and Titanic is the biggest waste of three hours I’ve ever seen’)
• The Informant! (After Matt Damon the best thing about this movie)
• A Single Man
• Up (Even just a couple of notes from this score popping into my head are enough to reduce me to the giant bubbering mess I was all three times I saw Up. Should win, just hope it will be taken as seriously as the non-kids friendly flicks)
• Where The Wild Things Are (If Up doesn’t get the gong, this should. Hope Karen O gets the Best Original Song category as well)

Best Animated Film

• Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
• Coraline
• Fantastic Mr. Fox
• The Princess and the Frog
• Up

Look how strong this field is this year! (Except for the Disney, what the hell is it doing here?) 2009 was an amazing year for animation, I’d be happy to see Coraline, Fox (my boy Wes Anderson doing animation for the first time, I’M SO PROUD! {yes, I’ve reconciled myself to the clear Americanisation of a British tale, I can never stay mad at Wes for long}), or Cloudy win (Cloudy was heavily underrated, I loved it so much!). But… Up was clearly the film of the year, animated or otherwise, no question.

Best Foreign Language Film

• Los abrazos rotos
• Baaria
• Das weisse Band – Eine deutsche Kindergeschichte
• La nana
• Un prophete

Wow, I’m surprised, I’ve heard of none of these except for Los abrazos rotos. Hang on, La nana might have been at MIFF…? I didn’t see it anyway. By all accounts Los abrazos rotos is minor Almodovar, but considering minor Almodovar is better than the best of a load of mediocre directors put together, I’d put the quiet money on him.

Best Television Series – Drama

• Big Love
• Dexter
• House M. D.
• Mad Men
• True Blood

I know people generally have televisual fits of glee over all these shows, but apart from Dexter, eh, the rest leave me a bit cold. Especially Mad Men, what the heck is the appeal behind the surface pretty?

Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy

• Entourage
• Glee (Okay, so I loved the pilot of this with a mad, burning love, but have been increasing more and more disappointed as the series has progressed. Mainly because Will is clearly A MASSIVE GIANT FUCKSTICK, no one ever pulls him up on his obvious horridness, and he is supposed to be the audience’s main source of identification. Yeah, no. Let’s not even get into the completely dodgy gender politics)
• The Office
• Modern Family
• 30 Rock

Either The Office or 30 Rock should win, and both would make me happy.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy

• Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock (YAY!)
• Steve Carell for The Office (EVEN MORE YAY!)
• David Duchovny for Californication
• Thomas Jane for Hung
• Matthew Morrison for Glee (Is this fuckstick Will? *checks imdb* Oh my god, it is! HELLS NO)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical of Comedy

• Toni Collette for The United States of Tara (Should win hands down. Any of the other people nominated for ANY of these awards playing upwards of six different totally convincing characters in the one piece? Yeah, didn’t think so)
• Courteney Cox for Cougar Town (There is a show called COUGAR TOWN?! Oh dear lord, I want to die)
• Edie Falco for Nurse Jackie
• Tina Fey for 30 Rock (TRIPLE YAY!)
• Lea Michele for Glee

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-series or Motion Picture Made For Television

• Michael Emerson for Lost
• Neil Patrick Harris for How I Met Your Mother (SUPER YAY! Oh, he must surely win through the sheer power of his AWESOME)
• William Hurt for Damages
• John Lithgow for Dexter (John Lithgow is in Dexter now?! Hells, I am behind)
• Jeremy Piven for Entourage

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-series or Motion Picture Made For Television

• Jane Adams for Hung
• Rose Byrne for Damages
• Jane Lynch for Glee (She should win 1. Because she is awesome, and 2. Because increasing Sue Sylvester has become the only voice of reason on that damn show and says what anyone with a brain watching is clearly thinking. Go Jane!)
• Janet McTeer for Into The Storm
• Chloe Sevigny for Big Love

So what have I been up to in this lull of writerly activity? Mostly work, work, work, though there are a couple of things that I have occupied my mind and doings with greater frequency.

I applied for a postgraduate masters course in cinema management and have been nearly beside myself with impatience waiting for a letter to see if I’ve been accepted. Because if I don’t get in I don’t have a back up plan for what to do next year. Thus, am a tad bit panicky. I am certain now that film is what I want to pursue a career in, I have the marks for the course, but every time I went into uni during the application process I would hear, “Oh, this course is so popular with applicants this year!” So, I am fretting. Fret fret fret! I should hear from them before December 24th, wow, wouldn’t want to be my family if I don’t get in, it will be the most passive agressive Christmas ever!

But! There is excitement on the horizon, for in January I am going to Sweden! “Oh, but Hayley,” those with long memories are galumping, “You went to Europe earlier this year, what is all this?” Well, my friend Zoe is over in Stockholm stalking around Konstfack being all interior designy and fashioning stools and whatnot, and has been all “Come visit me!” for months now. And I was all “Oh, but what about money, I should save and I already travelled this year…”, chittering and as skittish as a wee mousie. Then one morning I just woke up and it was like a lion had taken up residence in my chest, a lion of determination, who roared most loudly “WHY THE FUCK NOT?” And indeed, Lion of Determination, why not. So I did. And now I am looking forward to Zoe and snow and ice skating and woolens and stuffing my face with semlor, it will be glorious. GLORIOUS I SAY!

And I was going to talk about a third thing, but I think it deserves a post of it’s own, it is about THE HIDEOUS BEHAVIOURS OF MEN WHO INEXPLICABLY ACT LIKE ARSEHOLES, look at that, that is like an essay title, heavy shit indeed, let’s finish thinking of semlor again. Hmmm, tastes Swedish.

OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS?! A BLOG POST? A BLOG POST FROM HAYLEY? SURELY YOU JEST.

No, it is true, it is me! I am ALIVE, at the very least figuratively. Alive enough to blog at least, which one doesn’t need to be very sentient for. Why the lack of blog-love? See, the dealio was me and Jen (from the internet) were going to launch a new collaborative film blog project, which got me very over-excited, but then real life intervened and now it probably won’t happen till the new year. And I got all lackluster and “I want new blog! Boo to old blog!” and laziness took care of the rest.

But! Then my friend Maddy started an amazingpants blog, “Are You There Internet God? It’s Me Maddy…” (http://maddymad-hatter.blogspot.com/), and it is marvellous and funny and fresh in a way that only a brand spanking new blog can be. And I got all wistful, “Oh, I used to write like this! I want to write like this again.” Then, revelations! Maddy discovered I had a lulled blog and INSISTED MOST FEVERENTLY that I revive it. I hmmm. I hawwed. Then said yes, because I am compliant like that.

So! SASS 2.0, with a spanking new layout and everything. New thoughts! New babblings! Same old abuse of capslock and exclamation marks, I’m afraid, no dice for you there.

I really don’t know what to think of this at all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2igjYFojUo

On the one hand, my inner Wes Anderson apologist is whispering reassuring nothings that “it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine, once you’ve seen the whole thing everything will drop into place and sense”. Meanwhile, my inner Roald Dahl fan is screaming blue and fierce murder – “What the FUCK have you done to my favourite childhood story? *thousands of sad D: faces*”

Why does the conflation of two of my favourite things look so bad? WHY?

Jen: pullman is a little bit hot tho

Hayley: pfft. president in goddamn independence day!

Jen: um. exactly

Hayley: this is also true

Hayley: hush, that movie’s awesome

Jen: I’m sorry, what movie were YOU watching?!

Hayley: the awesome one where the fresh prince saves everyone from crazy aliens.

Jen: yuh huh. have you ever watched the end of that film? that is an atrocious ending. the one is which the entire world has to wait for america before they get off their arses and I dunno, try to save their OWN LIVES?

Hayley: dude, it’s called INDEPENDENCE DAY. of course everyone has to wait for the americans to do shit! it’s not like we could call on china or something *cough*

Jen: I’m afraid of you right now. Who the hell am I talking to?! Is this … Hayley?!

Hayley: look, it has nostalgic value or something? i remember watching it at school at the end of term when the teachers couldn’t be bothered with real lessons.

Jen: hmmm. that is an absolutely shit end of term movie! I had Princess Bride.

Hayley: i don’t care. independence day is lovely and fuzzy in my mind and bill pullman was the best president ever until jed bartlett came along. fin

Jen: man, right now I’m wondering if I should go back and watch that turd. and I know I can’t talk, because I have watched and loved so many trashy, trashy films…

Hayley: you should watch it!

Jen: but, like. IT’S CALLED INDEPENDENCE DAY. IT’S AN AFFRONT TO US ALL.

Hayley: it is trashtastic

Jen: hmmmm hmmmm

Hayley: just try to overlook the rampant american imperialism. for me? *bats eyelashes*

Jen: I’ll try. God, I do not have one good memory about that film though.

Hayley: really? I find this incredulating. then again, i haven’t  watched it for, what, ten years? maybe it’s my mind that’s cracked!

Jen: ok, now I’m making us both watch it, so I can make faces at you after we both realise that yes, it’s really really bad

Hayley: AWESOME

Hayley: i’m gonna bring pie … good ol’ fashioned american apple pie …

Jen: hang on…

Jen: omg did you say you’d bring PIE?!

Hayley: … yes

Hayley: is pie worth watching independence day for?

Jen: FUCK YES. I’LL TOTALLY WATCH THAT FILM WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE IF YOU BRING ME PIE

Hayley: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

So I was having a tres interesting chat with Jen (she’s from the internet) the other day about our respective blogs. Jen complained that she felt her blog was far too personal and narcissistic, where I countered with the fact that I never actually talk about me, I just talk about things that I like. You may extrapolate from that what you will in this piecing together of what people reveal about themselves upon the interwebs, but in the meantime, in order to prove to Jen that I can bring the personal to the yard (in an utterly facetious manner, of course), here’s a crapload of completely personal (and ridonkulous) text messages I’ve sent to people in the past few weeks.

“So I hear she got dragged to hell. Good! The perfect man clearly deserves better (ie. us, in our mountain shack of love).”

” ooh don’t know if i’ll be able to come earlier, i’m in the middle of a star trek two-parter! spock has mutinied, i need to find out why *is a super nerd*”

“OMG HAWKEYE IS JACK’S REAL DAD!!! (just catching up on 30 rock, ignore me).”

“I ATE ALL THE CHEESE!”

“WHY IS THERE A COCK-EYED DEMENTED OWL ON THE COMPUTER DESKTOP?!!!”

“Okay, inappropriate crushes, i just developed another. I just finished watching the original MASH movie for the first time and, I say this with the utmost sincerity, young Elliott Gould was totally BANGING.”

“now i am happily imagining you driving obscenely fast in some kind of swedish supercar bellowing ‘POWER!’ because we all know that is what driving lessons with jeremy would entail.”

“Is it true that there is a point in a man’s head where if you shoot it, it will blow up? I don’t know what it is, but I ADORE hot fuzz whereas I just greatly enjoy shaun. the abscence of jessica is a sticking point, but shaun also involved the disembowelment of dylan moran, which is something i NEVER NEEDED TO SEE!”

“I never said they were GOOD, I just said they were probably vegetarian!”

Turns out I just talk to my friends about shit I like too. And abuse capslock just as much as I do here. At least I am predictable across various technological mediums.

Tra-le-tra-lay! Here is what on my mind today!

1. Okay, so I’ve been told that The Big Bang Theory is something that I should be watching. Apparantly it speaks to nerds, a claim that I have in the past sneered severely at, as there is no way that a show created by the dude that also created Two and a Half Men speaks to my damn people. But the two times I have wandered past the TV when it has been on lately caused me to first encounter “klingon boggle”, and then “rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock”. Fuck, something that littered with Star Trek references is something I’m going to like, isn’t it? Shiiiiiiiit.

2. Reading all the press burblings from the Harry Potter and Half Blood Prince premiere (how excited are you for this movie? I AM SO GODDAMN EXCITED), all the focus on the three main stars has boiled down into “Dan Radcliffe is a PROPER ACTOR cos of all that naked theatre he did; Emma Watson is pretty and models for Burbury; Rupert Grint has swine flu.” Oh, dear me.

3. I had a dream last night that I was shopping at Marks & Sparks and had a trolley full of little tubs of trifle and copies of The Guardian. Am a little disconcerted at how content I felt after waking from this dream: the many trips to M & S to procure desserty delights and newspaper words while I was England-frolicking clearly left a giant glowing happy puff of a presence on my mind.

4. Also! I have been on the hunt for all the delightful Britishy foods that I became addicted to while away. I have found Oz suppliers for Minstrels and Irn-Bru, but a source of jaffa cakes continues to allude me, alas, for they are my favourite! And I only have three cakes left out of the billions of boxes I smuggled into the country (British people: send me jaffa cakes).

5. It is nearly Melbourne International Film Festival time! *squeeeeee* I went quite mad when tickets were released this morning. I may in fact be spending a solid week in a variety of cinemas. Eh, it’ll be worth it.

6. I am never going to get sick of having cocktails with Jen at 1806. Also I need to get over feeling less than classy for liking bourbon-based cocktails as much as I do.

7. I’m now off to watch Rachel Getting Married. I’m a bit ‘meh’ about the prospect, really, everyone I know has been bothering me the past few months with “Anne Hathaway should have won best actress, blah blah blah”, to which the Kate Winslet fan in me raises an eyebrow and drawls “Oh, really?” Hopefully it’s better than my expectations.

HAYLEY!? Where the hell have you been?

Jeeze, can’t someone run away to Europe for two months and use it as an excuse not to update her blog ever?

So, yes, I ain’t dead! And yes, SASS will rise once more from idleness into, well, back to hyperactive musings as soon as I get back into the swing of non-holiday life. Keep yourselves a-tuned.

It is true, I experienced the Best Day Ever (TM) last Sunday. Come under the veil, let me show you the wonders I found.

Admittedly, the action didn’t get going till around six at night, though I had spent the day happy pottering around slowly as one should do on a Sunday, having an extended lunch and buying children’s books and whatnot, building up a congenial feeling of contentment with the day. The real excitement came as I met up with Jen for an evening of nosh, cocktails and comedy.

Having learnt from our previous drinking adventures, we prepared overselves with a fortifying visit to Lord of the Fries to chow down on stomach-lining chips and vegan nuggets. Oh lordy, those vegan nuggets. I don’t know what kind of soy-based product they make those things out of, I only know that they are delicious. Having thus armoured ourselves, we made our way to 1806.

1806 is a swish cocktail bar that I’ve see reviewed all over the place to pretty much universal praise and delight. It’s cockmail menu has won awards and everything (lawks!), and I was enamoured reading their online menu just purely for all the historical stories behind each of the drinks. Sunday night seems to be the time to make a visit, too, as it was nice and quiet as we strolled in, meaning not much of a wait until we were supping delicious concoctions.

I started off with a Pimms Fizz, as I cannot refuse something that involves Pimms (it is an addiction). It came in a glass the length of my forearm, garnished with wedges of lemon and a thick slice of cucumber. It was envigorating and refreshing as only Pimms can be, though I have to cheekily say that I think I prefer my own Pimms punch concoction better (though that may only be because I prepare it in a jug, meaning there’s a lot more of it!). Jen ordered a Peach Sour, which was appropriately named, being tart yet still pleasantly refreshing.

For our second and last round, I went with a Manhattan, purely because it came with a marischino cherry and I am an utter sucker for those. Usually I don’t do well with bourbon-based drinks, and although this one was strong as all get out, it left me with a little warm fire that burnt happily away in my belly, very pleasant. But Jen came away with the drink of the night, the Bitter Chocolate Orange Martini. Probably very similar to the opening cocktail we had that time at Cafe Vue, it was a blend of chocolate, gin, Campari and orange and oh goodness it was good. Subtle on the tongue at first, then delivering an absolute kick to the tastebuds. Divine.

Happily treading water in alcohol, and loudly voicing our intention to return to 1806 repeatedly in future, Jen and I made our way down to the Town Hall to join in some Comedy Festival fun. We saw Josie Long in her show All The World’s Wonders (Shown in Detail). I was a bit over-anxious for it to be awesome, because since I’m going to Europe at the end of this month I have zero spare dollars and really could only go to one comedy fest show, rather than going mad like I usually do and seeing as many as possible. BUT, I should not have feared, because it was all a gorgeous and enchanting affair. Anyone as wonderfully infectious and enthusiastic about learning as Josie was (because the show is all about the thrill of learning and discovery, and how we do, and especially collect, the strangest things in order to preserve knowledge) charms me in a second. Because who doesn’t love learning stuff?! (Nerds, represent) And it also features one of the best and most magical instances of audience participation I’ve ever seen, and was lucky enough to be a part of.

So bootle down and see Josie while you can, particularly if you’re sore about missing the blink-and-they-were-gone Daniel Kitson shows, because this show is the perfect balm, with the added bonus of having less bleakness and more jokes about stealing promotional pens (with accompanying mime! Oh yeah!). Also if you are feeling like a comedy tart, try to catch the Bedroom Philosopher and Hannah Gadsby too, because they are both super awesome and I wish I was seeing them. The end.