Trailer Trash: You Can’t Handle The Truth!

It seems, from looking through past incarnations of this segment, that I’ve waivered between calling it Trailer Talk and Trailer Trash. Inconsistency be thy name, Hayley! Well, this one can definitely be labeled Trash, seeing as the vast rash of films coming out in the next few months are generally making me want to lower my head onto the nearest flat surface and cry for the state of the film industry (with a few exception, o’ course).

You know the drill: I watch trailers, then tell you why the movie’s going to be awful. Here we go!

Cop Out

That’s it, people, Kevin Smith’s career is officially dead. Or at least completely bankrupt of any sense of vision, integrity and originality. Go on, watch that trailer and then WEEP.

Iron Man 2

Unlike 99% of the world’s movie-going population, I really wasn’t that keen on the first Iron Man. I don’t know what it was, but I was seriously bored out of my tiny head watching that film (I also had a traitorous voice in my head that kept shouting “Who do you think you are, Tony Stark, BRUCE WAYNE?”). And frankly, the direction was plodding at best. But hello, what do we have in the second film?… Oh, Mickey. You wonderous man, you. I heart you and would watch you in anything, I will even brave Scarlett Johanson and Jon Favreau’s by-the-books- direction to see you be awesome and explode cars.

Inception

At least with a Christopher Nolan film you know that the trailer is never going to give anything away. Though I must admit that it’s not the trailer, which is frankly just the same old “Look! Christopher Nolan’s doing some crazy shit again!” schtick, but the cast list that’s making me want to go see it (Leo! Marion Cotillard! Ken Watanabe! Cillian Murphy! Joseph Gordon-Levitt! Ellen Page! And of course Michael Caine. Look at that, get excited!).

Brothers

And we go from one trailer that tells you nothing to another that tells you too damn bloody much. Really, is there any impetus for me to see this film now? I know what’s going to happen, there’s no spaces left to fill in!

Youth In Revolt

Whenever anyone has been unfortunate enough to get me onto the topic of Michael Cera, these poor souls have been subject to my “I think he’s great, but he’s got to get into some more diverse roles now before he stops being cute and kills his career” rant. And in Youth In Revolt, well, we get halfway there. He’s still wandering around being naive, adorable and dorky *yawn*, but then there’s the evil doppleganger! God, I hope he pulls it off.

When In Rome

AAARRRGGGHHHH! AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH! I WANT TO DIE! I…I can’t even put into words how goddamn awful this movie looks. The trailer itself makes it look like a mess, it seems almost morbidly unfunny, and can I officially state for the record that perky narration ala Sex and the City is my least favourite movie device EVER. And what are people like Lee Pace and Angelica Huston doing in this? Oh GOD!

Bronson

So this is Tom Hardy. Wow. WOW. Colour me impressed. Even if this does kind of come across as the Brits having a go at their own version of Chopper, it looks pretty damn awesome nonetheless. Australian release now, please!

A Single Man

This is finally released in Australia tomorrow, and guess who’s excited? I AM SO DAMN EXCITED. And THIS is absolutely how one should make a trailer that tells one nothing about the film, yet gets you to the point of punching old ladies out of the way in order to go see it. Please now go and make twenty billion more movies, Tom Ford, thank you.

Svenska!

So remember that time I went to Sweden and said that I’d resume blogging come the end of January? And how now is February? You have now learnt an important lesson about how I am FULL OF LIES.

But yes, Sweden! It was super awesome. I trundled around in the snow and wore woolen bobble hats and ate many, many buns. Oh, Sweden is so very good at sweet buns. You are familiar already with my love of semlor (THE CREAM! SO MUCH CREAM! AHHHHHHHHYUM), but I was not prepared for the delicious bun explosion that was kanelbulle – basically a cinnamon danish THAT EXPLODED MY WEE MOUTH WITH SWEETNESS AND JOY, and I consumed about three a day and returned to Australian shores very roly-poly, but with a kanelbulle recipe, oh yes, there will be Swedish baking times.

I mostly hung around in Stockholm, but also got to go up to Kiruna, which is up north, within the Artic Circle no less! Having long been obsessed with articness it was something of a dream fulfilled. Zoe and I braved the icy winds and went northern lights spotting (a failure, sad to say), and also went on the night time dog sled ride, which was, just quietly, THE BEST THING EVER!

It really was something to stand out there on the edge of town, staring out across the snow towards the mountains that you knew would end up snarling all the way up to Norway, up to the Artic Sea; to look up and see more stars that you thought could possibly be contained in the one sky. It’s all just so cold and bleak and stark and in the face of it, well… your little problems seem very, very insignificant.

I left a lot of my little problems out there in the white.

Anyway, anyway, now I am returned, and things are looking a lot brighter than they were at the end of last year. I am going to uni again come March! I have a new boy to occupy my time with! I’m challenging myself to do more arts and write more and actually get all these stories and projects out of my head and into real, concrete form. Oh hey there, 2010, I am taking you ON!

Addendum: Remember my Golden Globes post? OH MY LORD HOW FUCKED WERE THOSE AWARDS?! SO FUCKED. Apart from Jimmy Cameron’s Pocahontas in Space running off with Best Picture Gong, who the hell decided that this is the year for Sandra Bullock to be winning best acting awards? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL????!!!

Bring on the Oscars, it’s going to be horrendous!